Lord, please help me. I feel small.

I want to be able to garner support so that I can help those who are suffering. #oursending was an initiative started by Unbirth, which I supported wholeheartedly.

Then I discovered that one of the people to whom I had mailed the #oursending video was already working on a single… the proceeds of which would go to a relief fund for the victims.

Lord, look with pity upon me. I am but a poor student. My music-making is often confined to these four walls. I have but FL Studio, my PC mic and Windows Movie Maker, and no means to tell my family how much I want to do this… except for this blog. And my YT. I feel terribly small, because I do realise that the person whose message I came across is in a better position to do this than I am —

• she’s earned her own professional equipment for recordings,
• she’s got all the support the multitude of Final Fantasy fans on YT can give her,
• she’s got a thumbs up from one of the composers of the FF franchise, Yasunori Mitsuda,
• she’s established,
• it seems that thousands have bought her first album and are loving it.

And what about me…

• I’ve been denied two opportunities to make myself known musically. No, make that three — no, many times.
• I have FL Studio and a PC mic (and not even a noise-cancelling, external mic).
• I don’t even know where to begin my efforts.
• Whenever I write songs, a number of people (read: even my lecturers) can’t help but feel I should’ve gone into music. Alarm bells, anyone?
• I am in law school, which is draining me of my sanity.
• I think I am going insane.

I don’t want to be jealous of others, and I support this person’s effort wholeheartedly. No reservations whatsoever. But this is the reality of the situation, and this is where I stand. I feel helpless.

Though deep down, I wanted to help those poor people. It wasn’t motivated by anyone’s philantrophy; it was just something I wanted to do from the bottom of my heart. In times like these I look at myself and wonder at what little I can do. I can sing, but I often feel that none of my songs are given enough justice because of this mic. Had I the resources and the means I’d have gone ahead with what I’ve yearned to do. I feel small… All I can do for my Japanese friends is sing into this horrible mic… and pray. I can’t raise any funds, and I do not know whether my voice would even help in this time… will there even be place for a voice as insignificant as mine?

I’m falling under the weight of this cross. Getting up, staggering again and falling.

I’m not giving up hope, because I know that I’ve been blessed with a talent, as well as friends to support me and pray for me. I know that the Lord makes things beautiful in his time, and I’m not gonna give up anytime soon. But I’m helpless now, because I know, across the globe (and even in Britain) there are people suffering, calling out to you, searching for even the slightest trace of hope; there are people whose minds have been shut off because they could not find the hope they were looking for… and I can’t help them. All I can do is sit down, write this, pray, and weep silently in the confines of these four walls.

I know you can see me now.

Please help me…