Lock these words in my heart...

I met my childhood friend Kiran online, after days of being “away.” She and I went for catechism together ever since we were 7, she and I got confirmed together. I did not want to skip a year where I could have (I skipped Year 4 in primary school) – primarily because, with God, there is no double promotion ! And also, I wanted to be with her. Our friendship grew, and more often than not, we would be sitting at the same desk in class. However, with the cell groups the Confirmation Course made, we were split. We did find opportunities to get together every now and then. I have not met her for a whole year, imagine !

Anyway, she was among the first to get news of my mom’s death. So when I caught her online…….

troisnyx* 11.30 (Emo.) says:
hey. how ya been ?
Msn spazzed connection spazzed says:
I'm okay
troisnyx* 11.30 (Emo.) says:
=)how're trials ?
Msn spazzed connection spazzed says:
they were over a long time ago ^-^
how are you holding up?
troisnyx* 11.30 (Emo.) says:
slightly better I guess. less crying. more urges to play drums. I don't know how well I'm holding up
Msn spazzed connection spazzed says:
*squishy hugs* Wanting to move forward is a pretty good indication : )
You're a fantastic drummer
I've heard you play
troisnyx* 11.30 (Emo.) says:
you really think so ? I've heard much better ones than me. =(
Msn spazzed connection spazzed says:
well, I've seen better artists than me but it doesn't stop me from drawing : )
troisnyx* 11.30 (Emo.) says:
I guess.
Msn spazzed connection spazzed says:
*hugs*

Truth be told, I'm not fantastic. In fact, I always think of myself as the worst drummer around. But she has seen me play the drums (i.e. my first attempt) during the Confirmation retreat in Cameron Highlands. After all the remarks from everyone around me, which put me down, I found solace in her words. Lock those words in my heart, and help me carry on !

By the way, Kiran is one superb manga artist. Her added ability to speak Japanese gives her the freedom to discover more mangas than us English-speakers can, and she draws her faces in a signature heart shape (which I have never seen in many other artists). She did so many sketches of the girls’ group during last year’s Confirmation retreat. And we spent time together like never before. Not only did we have intellectual talks about God and about national issues (the #1 issue at that time was the Lina Joy case), she shared with me her thoughts on paper. And I had nothing to offer in return except… my heartbeats.

I continued talking to her, and she told me this : we are our own worst critics. There are other people who can see the beauty in a supposedly ugly or horrible piece of work. And once they can see that beauty, their hearts are touched. I guess I must've touched Kiran's heart the other day... Anyway. She told me she wanted to sing and dance... to wow people. Yeah, to make them go "wow, she can do that" - but after seventeen years, she discovered that it was not her line. I asked her, how did it feel like to give up that line ? She was sad, no doubt. But she felt a greater sense of relief over time. I told her in reply, "Mine is not a question of wowing people - there are so many people who can do that. I want to touch hearts. The beat of the drum is the closest I can get to mom's heartbeat. Now that she is not here."

I prayed about it last night, but instead of my usual plea, I added, "Please, Lord, give me a sign - so obvious that if I miss it, I am a monkey's uncle." I really need guidance. I know it. I even added, "Please send the Holy Spirit upon me, and perhaps, a patron angel, to inspire me." Kiran often does the same whenever she needs inspiration. Weird religious-y thing to do, but it helps her a lot. She told me there is a patron angel for everything. If that is the case, there must be a patron angel for drummers too...

Right. I'd better dash. I have one hour left before dad comes back. I really want to play the drums, and even if I don't know whether that is the right field for me, I will try.