I came home in the driving rain after spending a long day in college today. I had Business Studies in the morning and Literature in the afternoon. Nithya wasn't there ; Adoravelle was back, and Kimberly was there - we sat together as usual.
I drove home after college, and I did the first thing my heart told me to do : I beat the drums. Even with this weariness inside, I tried giving Him my all when I played.
After playing, I grew tired...... and took a nap.
In the midst of my sleep thoughts flowed into my mind.
I thought of the time mom sat with me, back when I was three years old, took the drum and sticks from my hands and beat her rhythms. I remembered how amazed I was.
I remembered fighting my way, trying to convince people, even mom and dad, that I've always had a passion for the drums. And everytime I tried to convince them, I'd fight a losing battle.
I remembered the time mom finally understood this deep longing inside me... this deep longing to beat. I thought of December 2007, right after my SPM examination, when mom wanted to enrol me in drum lessons but ultimately couldn't, because the people whom she had called did not bother to respond. Then January 2008 came. I joined the Sunset Band - one of the main worship groups in Assumption. I attempted to play the drums, but as I was still a beginner, I couldn't match anyone else. I often cried. But somehow, I knew she wanted to see me play well.
She never got to see me play the drums well - she passed away in August.
And what the heck, I'm not even playing well at all.
It's now February 2009 and whatever I do know, I've just grasped on my own, and I'm clinging on to these beats for dear life. I sound terrible. I move my head to the beat in an attempt to express myself, but ultimately, it's hopeless. Because as long as I have no one to guide me, I'm still gonna be stuck here.
I wept. Had mom been here, she'd have lifted me up. I wept in bed. I wept as I said a prayer. I prayed that God might guide me.... or send me an angel to lift me up, take me by the hand and guide my every beat. I don't know how long I even cried. I lost track of time.
It's been years now. I've always had that yearning to play the drums well. Ever since I was three. I'm scared to play in front of dad because at one point in time, he insulted me. He made a sweeping statement that my beats sound like the galloping of a horse. Now, to any drummer, that's a derogatory statement - it implies that he/she can't keep the beat at all. And there I was, doing my best, giving my all. All my hope was shattered with that one single statement of his. I never told dad about how I cried. I could never bring myself to tell Narin about this. I'm scared to even tell dad that I need guidance, because while he works so hard - literally, with blood, sweat and tears to run the household and to see through my education - I can't bring myself to let him spill more funds. Everyone who has seen me play tells me that I need guidance. Even those who are musically educated tell me I need guidance. Because playing the drums is not about hitting all over the place, like most people think.
When will that moment ever come ? Perhaps it will never come at all ! If I do choose to further my legal studies in the UK within the next two years, then I may have to bid a tearful farewell to my passion.
Now, leave me to cry all alone.
I drove home after college, and I did the first thing my heart told me to do : I beat the drums. Even with this weariness inside, I tried giving Him my all when I played.
After playing, I grew tired...... and took a nap.
In the midst of my sleep thoughts flowed into my mind.
I thought of the time mom sat with me, back when I was three years old, took the drum and sticks from my hands and beat her rhythms. I remembered how amazed I was.
I remembered fighting my way, trying to convince people, even mom and dad, that I've always had a passion for the drums. And everytime I tried to convince them, I'd fight a losing battle.
I remembered the time mom finally understood this deep longing inside me... this deep longing to beat. I thought of December 2007, right after my SPM examination, when mom wanted to enrol me in drum lessons but ultimately couldn't, because the people whom she had called did not bother to respond. Then January 2008 came. I joined the Sunset Band - one of the main worship groups in Assumption. I attempted to play the drums, but as I was still a beginner, I couldn't match anyone else. I often cried. But somehow, I knew she wanted to see me play well.
She never got to see me play the drums well - she passed away in August.
And what the heck, I'm not even playing well at all.
It's now February 2009 and whatever I do know, I've just grasped on my own, and I'm clinging on to these beats for dear life. I sound terrible. I move my head to the beat in an attempt to express myself, but ultimately, it's hopeless. Because as long as I have no one to guide me, I'm still gonna be stuck here.
I wept. Had mom been here, she'd have lifted me up. I wept in bed. I wept as I said a prayer. I prayed that God might guide me.... or send me an angel to lift me up, take me by the hand and guide my every beat. I don't know how long I even cried. I lost track of time.
It's been years now. I've always had that yearning to play the drums well. Ever since I was three. I'm scared to play in front of dad because at one point in time, he insulted me. He made a sweeping statement that my beats sound like the galloping of a horse. Now, to any drummer, that's a derogatory statement - it implies that he/she can't keep the beat at all. And there I was, doing my best, giving my all. All my hope was shattered with that one single statement of his. I never told dad about how I cried. I could never bring myself to tell Narin about this. I'm scared to even tell dad that I need guidance, because while he works so hard - literally, with blood, sweat and tears to run the household and to see through my education - I can't bring myself to let him spill more funds. Everyone who has seen me play tells me that I need guidance. Even those who are musically educated tell me I need guidance. Because playing the drums is not about hitting all over the place, like most people think.
When will that moment ever come ? Perhaps it will never come at all ! If I do choose to further my legal studies in the UK within the next two years, then I may have to bid a tearful farewell to my passion.
Now, leave me to cry all alone.
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