I don't want to give up my passion for rhythm, and yet, things seem to start weighing down on me.
I was very zealous when it came to playing drums because I knew there'd be someone to listen to and correct me - my mom. And truly, it was such a joy to play in front of her. She would sit by me and plead with me to play something, no matter how simplistic or how crappy it'd sound. But when I told her that I wanted to perform a really good drum solo in front of her someday, she'd just smile and keep silent.
When mom was hospitalised, I still practised on the drums, hoping that she'd get better one day, that she'd be able to see that I've progressed.
Things are not the same now that she's no longer here. I just can't feel her presence anymore. And it's futile for me to feel it because she's gone.
If there's one thing I could ask for this Christmas, I'd love there to be someone who'd listen to me and correct me, and help me be the powerful drummer that I truly yearn to be.
I'm not asking for anything material, though I know that this might incur a material cost. And I've got no gift to give in return ; though I know that if I do play well one day, it'd be a gift in itself.
Yet, my heart is heavy.
On one hand, my heart cries for it every single day. I just try not to tell anyone. I just go on with the pretence that everything's normal, but deep inside, I'm sad. I could just go to a corner and weep. Even if I sometimes feel empowered playing the drums, I end up feeling very sad because right now, I'm on my own, and I don't even know where to go from here.
On the other hand, poor Daddy. I feel so scared to tell him anything because he comes back so late every day, he is tired out by all the work under the elements, and with the current rainy weather, he feels so unwell. I feel so sad everytime he comes back with cuts and bruises from his work. I'm afraid of voicing out my heart's desire to him, let alone play in front of him. Rather than making him proud, I'd be draining him of his sanity. He's saving up for me to go to the UK, and right now we have enough to live comfortably. I think. I feel so guilty having to ask him, and more often than not, this thought gets buried away.
If mom's watching over me from wherever she is, then I'd really want to make her proud. I want to show her the solo I said I'd show her. But I know, at the rate I'm going right now, I'm only bound to bring disgrace instead of happiness.
Dear Lord, I know you're reading this as I write this post. I feel so lost. And I don't know what to do. Perhaps I could ask you to send me an angel, though...... I asked for one three times and I still haven't seen any sign of one. If there'd be an angel among the many readers who stop by to read this thing, I'd be delighted.
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