I know it, you know it, we all know it. So face it.

No one understands how I can love and forgive as I am doing now.
And I bet no one will understand why I make the choices that I am making now.

I know it, you know it, we all know it. So let's face it.

I was made in love.

Sealed in love.

I couldn't ask for anything more.

And no matter what gaffes my parents or the people around me did, I'm able to love them, though not because of who they are, or what they've done.

Just so you know, I'm an only child. I'd have had two siblings but I lost them in my early childhood.

People had attempted to kill me thrice during my childhood, but miraculously, I survived all attempts. I mean, think about it : what would a kid know about people trying to kill him, unless it's been made known to him ? The people who tried to do this to me did this in secret, thinking that I wouldn't know one day. I only remembered about what they did, years later.

Whilst caning has never been made illegal in Malaysia, abuse has. There's a thick line between "not sparing the rod" and "overusing the rod". Now, I'm going to have to confess the hell I went through at some points in time. Truly, there were some occasions where I erred, and whatever disciplining I got, I deserved. But there were some points in time where before my parents even evaluated the truth of what I said (I did tell the truth), I was beaten to a pulp. Occasions like this have made me so scared of speaking up for anything, even my passions, the things I believe in. Yes, even things as trivial as my passions. I didn't want to face ridicule and/or excessive "disciplining" anymore. It's for this that I also hardly ask for anything. I must admit this. My personality has been scarred to the core.

There was one occasion where a teacher of mine (in secondary school), who was evidently scared of me telling her the naked truth, accused me of practising witchcraft. Now that was plain outrageous. Many of us have witnessed the supernatural taking shape right in front of our eyes (what with an old school building which is now 111 years old, and what with the people who were killed during the years of World War II), so we wouldn't question all of that, even if we had our doubts. But to accuse a 12-year-old student of being a witch ?

There are more incidences of people grievously hurting me, of people taking away the things which I hold dearest to me (like how my mother died, almost two years ago). But I shall not mention them, because recollecting these forgotten memories can be rather painful and heart-wrenching, and I don't want all these to get in the way of my day today.

In my own capacity as a human being, I have my limits. I am highly impatient (let's just say I'm more impatient than some people - I hardly ever swear, but I do get angry very quickly, sometimes), I get easily ticked off by something, and anyone would agree with me when I say that I have my threshold of patience. In my own capacity as a human being I wouldn't understand how it is that I loved these people and forgave them from my heart, even if they brought unnameable ills on me.


It's a pity that I can't look at the stars in the night sky, no thanks to the light pollution of KL. But as someone once put it, when we look at the stars in the sky, we don't just appreciate the beauty of the sky - at some point we realise how small we are. Small as we are, we're causing quite a lot of trouble in the world. But if each person could love unconditionally, and forgive from his heart, then imagine what the world would be !

Idealistic as I am, I do realise that in every generation, in every time and at every place, there will always be good trees and rotten trees. Trees that produce good fruit, and trees which you just feel like chopping off.

The onus is on me to be a good tree. I know it.

What about you ?


Joshua at: June 25, 2010 at 1:23 AM said...

The onus is on me to be a good tree. I know it.


I had to look up "onus" of course. :P Burden. The burden of bearing good fruit. Hahahaha. That amuses me. :P

The Lord bless you, Annette. If, at the end of the day, you still realize that it is in the Lord's hands that you are, you do well. :) Our King comes.

troisnyx* at: June 25, 2010 at 1:30 AM said...

Amen, our King comes : )

Bearing good fruit is a huge effort, a burden, but what we get from that effort is sheer satisfaction of being with Him at the end of the day. That trumps everything else. :D

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