I once heard someone say, the drum is the heartbeat of the nation. And who knows, it could be a reflection of mine too. The urge to beat, added together with a feminine flow of emotion, make me all the more insupportable. For the most part, my heart beats out a rhythm which I'm incapable of keeping up.
If only someone could hear my heartbeat from wherever he/she is.
You might be wondering why the first few sentences are so small. Well, I'm having an issue of self-confidence. I have a passion... which I'm afraid to show to everyone else... except God. It's so intense - partly because I'm unable to practise enough on the drums. I sometimes bang on my pillows before going to bed, or sometimes, I imagine different beats playing in my head. And I somehow can't bring myself to tell anyone or to show anyone. Probably for fear of being ridiculed or jeered at (firstly, for being a girl, and secondly, for not playing the way professionals do). Whenever dad and Narin aren't at home, I turn up the volume and I do my session, or I switch to taiko drum mode and I beat my heart out. When they're back, and tired out after a long day, I dare not play, for I may never know when they might hit out at me for beating the drums at such an hour. I once got scolded by dad for doing so.
If this is what empathy is, well, perhaps they can let me off. But if the empathy factor is taken out, it is a sheer waste of energy. Or, all that energy will be bottled up in me until I cannot take it anymore.
Lord, please help me. I truly want to be Your drummer girl but I know this isn't the way I should behave. As in, I shouldn't be afraid of telling people about it. This is not the attitude I should be having if I want to touch people's hearts with these next-to-nothing beats. You give me the constant urge to play. Help me to be bolder, please - help me not to be afraid of anything except You. I reckon that this is an irrational fear and I need it erased, pronto - if I want my heartbeat to coincide with millions of hearts out there.
In your name, I pray. Amen.
Okay. I am going to bang on my pillow now.
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