Shattered dreams

Today I got in touch with Jolynn after DK's class. I somehow felt... sad.

troisnyxetienne: I've got a question for you.
facemymusic: sure, go ahead.
troisnyxetienne: you know I have a tendency to be exuberant and eccentric and all... it's even obvious when I'm providing music. and a major factor is that there're rhythms bouncing in my head all the time. so, should I...
facemymusic: yeah.
troisnyxetienne: I can't bring myself to ask this question.
facemymusic: come on...
troisnyxetienne: should I give up drumming ? :'(

Deep in my heart, I never wanted to give it up. But if giving it up was the key to being a little less eccentric, and a little more "mature", I was ready. I closed my eyes. I cried.

facemymusic: no!!!
troisnyxetienne: sure ?
facemymusic: don't give up. you've got talent, girl. and besides, who said that to you?
troisnyxetienne: quite a few people.
facemymusic: what did they tell you?
troisnyxetienne: about the same things I told you. thing is, no one ever tapped that talent within me. till today, I'm left to fend for myself.
facemymusic: oh dear. why's that?
troisnyxetienne: maybe because they just don't like seeing me as a drummer. had mom been here, I wouldn't have been in the same beginner stage that I am.

I couldn't bring myself to tell her who these people were. DK was one of them. Many a time, I've been crushed by their words. And I can't summon enough courage to ask them, "Why not ?" Every single derogatory sentence about my passion is like a brutal blow to the heart.

Maybe my passion for music is laughable that I can be very easily rejected. Maybe my eccentric nature is pushed too far sometimes. But all I ever yearn for is someone to love me for who I really am. I'm not letting go of my beats, the same God-given pulsation in me, because it'll be a total waste of my talent and effort.

I can't play the drums now : dad's home. He's taking a nap. And I wouldn't wanna ruin his birthday. Maybe waiting isn't good enough. But how do I act ? With all those shackles around me, I just... can't.


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